Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 9

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

Try to live in a place you like.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey ­I know you! You're That Guy."

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!

Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.