Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 9

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey ­I know you! You're That Guy."

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.