Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 9
I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey I know you! You're That Guy."
I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.