Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 9
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you!
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey I know you! You're That Guy."
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!
I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.