Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 9
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.
I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you!
I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey I know you! You're That Guy."
Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.