Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 8

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

Try to live in a place you like.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.