Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 8

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

Try to live in a place you like.

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you!