Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 2

I love your eyes and their bluish, brownish, greenish color.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!

My penis is so small that I have trouble finding it 'cause it's so greatly influenced by mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space/time. And when I'm having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving 'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

I stopped and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I didn’t exist.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

She stood in line and got cut. Tried out, got cut. Loved art but the budget got cut. Then she got numb then she only felt when she knelt and cut!

I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.