Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 3

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

It's so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear and that's what makes it comedy.

And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.

My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke... tumors.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.