Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 3

102 quotes

And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.

My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke... tumors.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.