Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 3

It's so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear and that's what makes it comedy.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke... tumors.

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.