Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 7

I’m a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.