Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

You guys like impressions? Why?

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.