Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

You guys like impressions? Why?

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I think that God might think I’m gay... what does he know anyway?