Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I think that God might think I’m gay... what does he know anyway?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.