Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 2

I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

Television. That's where movies go when they die.