Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 2

I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.