Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 3

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.

Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.

I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.