Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 8

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

He plays just like a union man. He negotiates the final score.

I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.