Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 8

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.