Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 7

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.