Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 7

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.