Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 7

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.