Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 5

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

Some guys shave it up. Um, Dave Coulier from Full House shaves his balls. Tell you friends, tell everybody. Tell the world. Tell the world. Joey shaves his balls. I've said it. On television.

Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

Life can be really hard some times but its better than being a butterfly where you only live a month.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

I'm a lucky bastard. You know it and I know it.

I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.