Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 6

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

I'm a lucky bastard. You know it and I know it.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."

John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.