Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 6
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.
My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."
I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.
John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.
Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.
Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.
I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.
Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?
It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.
They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"