Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 6

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I'm a lucky bastard. You know it and I know it.

Life can be really hard some times but its better than being a butterfly where you only live a month.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?