Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 6
My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.
If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.
My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."
Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.