Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 7

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I'm a lucky bastard. You know it and I know it.

There are no "I's" in "we" but there are two "i's" in "Wii."

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"

My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.