Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 7

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

I'm glad 'bad ass' doesn't mean 'bad' 'ass.'

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

There are no "I's" in "we" but there are two "i's" in "Wii."

This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, "I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you." And I say, "You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct." When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.