Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 7

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"

This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'm glad 'bad ass' doesn't mean 'bad' 'ass.'

There are no "I's" in "we" but there are two "i's" in "Wii."

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.