Quotes & Jokes by Carol Leifer / page 3
Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.'
I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.
Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'
Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.
Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.