Quotes & Jokes by Carol Leifer / page 3

I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.

My stand-up act is very clean.

I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'

Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.'

I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.'

I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.

I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'

I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it - the latest - by the ended of this show.

There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

My father was a huge influence on me.