Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 10

You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.

I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...

Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.

The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off... A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.