Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 10

He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other fucking third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.

The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off... A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.