Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 10
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off... A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.