Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 11

I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.