Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 9

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.