Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 9

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.

Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other fucking third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.