Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 9
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.