Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 9

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.