Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 12

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.