Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 12
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"
I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.