Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 13
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.