Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 13
You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".