Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 13

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

All bitches have a heart.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.