Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

We women have to stick together.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.