Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14
Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.