Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 14

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.