Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 15
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.