Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 16
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.