Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 6
He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.