Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 6

He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.

Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.

I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."

According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.