Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 7
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.
Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.