Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 7
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or - more appropriate for that kind of growth - hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.
She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.
The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.