Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 7
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.
For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.