Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 8
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."
I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
An L. A. County Superior Court judge issued an order today taking custody of Britney’s two children away from her. K-Fed was surprised when Larry Birkhead swooped in at the last moment and grabbed them for himself.
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.