Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 8
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!
An L. A. County Superior Court judge issued an order today taking custody of Britney’s two children away from her. K-Fed was surprised when Larry Birkhead swooped in at the last moment and grabbed them for himself.
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.