Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 8

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.

An L. A. County Superior Court judge issued an order today taking custody of Britney’s two children away from her. K-Fed was surprised when Larry Birkhead swooped in at the last moment and grabbed them for himself.

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".

I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other fucking third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'