Quotes & Jokes by Chic Murray / page 3

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”