Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 10
Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.
I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go "What did I say?!" I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go "Eww, that was mean."
You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.
The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, "Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny."