Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 9

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, "Duh, where are all the famous people?"

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.