Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 9

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't think my comedy is that political. It's more social. But whatever. When you make comedy and you do stand-up, you work alone. Movies have to go under so much scrutiny. A stand-up special is a vision, and a movie is a consensus in a lot of ways.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.