Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 12

Is it just me, or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!"

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"

'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.