Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 12

Is it just me, or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!"

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …