Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 12

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Women would rule the world - if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.