Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 14

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

George Bush hates midgets.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat!!"! That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

It don’t take no scientist to tell who gonna have fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmomma mommy and his momma Pam, he going to jail.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"