Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 3
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
America, for me, is a philosophical and emotional decision... It’s a flag and an idea. It’s a dream.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.