Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 6

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and... go at them.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first!

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.