Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 6

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and... go at them.

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first!