Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 8
I do love America. And L. A. is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla - you ain't done till the gorilla's done.
David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.