Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 8
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'
Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla - you ain't done till the gorilla's done.
They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.