Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 10

One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.