Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 10
One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"
The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?