Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 10

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.