Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 10

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’

The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.