Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 10
The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.