Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 10
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.