Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 9
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, "There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as "a stroke of luck". Of course, by "luck" they mean "horrible paralysis."
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through." Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.