Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 9

The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, "There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as "a stroke of luck". Of course, by "luck" they mean "horrible paralysis."

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through." Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'