Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 11

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?