Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 11

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.