Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 11
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.