Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 11
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?