Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 11
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.