Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 11
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.