Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 11
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.