Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."