Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.