Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.