Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"