Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.