Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?