Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.