Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.