Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 12

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.