Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"