Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.