Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.