Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?