Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".