Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.