Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.