Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.