Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.