Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 13
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...