Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.