Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.