Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."