Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.