Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.