Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.