Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!