Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"