Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 14
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.