Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15
It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.