Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?