Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.