Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.