Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".