Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.