Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.