Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.