Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 15

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.

New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!