Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."