Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.