Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.