Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.