Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.