Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.