Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".