Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 16
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...