Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?

It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'