Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'