Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.