Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

The average permanent lasts about four months.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.