Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.