Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.