Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?