Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 17
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.