Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...
One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.