Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.