Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.
The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?