Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.