Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?