Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.

One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."