Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.