Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.