Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 18

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."

I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."