Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19

For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.