Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.