Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?