Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.