Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19

I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?