Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19
The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.