Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.