Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 4

If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.