Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 4

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Competition is the death of art.