Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 4
Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.
I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.