Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 4

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.