Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 5

294 quotes

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Competition is the death of art.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"

This year, I just might achieve my goal of losing interest in absolutely everything. Not that I care...

4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.