Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 5
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.
4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.