Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 5

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"