Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 5

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Competition is the death of art.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"

This year, I just might achieve my goal of losing interest in absolutely everything. Not that I care...

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...