Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 5
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
This year, I just might achieve my goal of losing interest in absolutely everything. Not that I care...
4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.