Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 6
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."