Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 6

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.