Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 6
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
This year, I just might achieve my goal of losing interest in absolutely everything. Not that I care...
There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."
There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.