Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 7
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?
If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.