Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 7
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.