Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 7
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.
Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.