Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 7
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.