Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 7

Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.