Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 8
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid...
In answer to the question, "Why do they hate us?" Al Queda today admitted it's those guys who wear a scarf with just a t-shirt.
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.