Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 8
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid...
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?
The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.