Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 10
It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”
My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?
If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.
She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
Dear girl seductively sucking a lollipop in her pics. We get it. It's a cock. A yummy peen. Too nail on the head.
I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'